Is that an Oxymoron?

I was looking for some new music and came across this article and really liked it and thought I should share since it's basically what my blog is all about.

According to some critics and cynics, the words Christian and hardcore become an oxymoron when linked together. At their association, images of loud music, yelling, moshing, and, most of all, apparent anger become tangible reflections. But is this appropriate?

"They sound so angry," a friend said to me once while I was playing Grammatrain, a now defunct Christian rock band who are, by coincidence, not so heavy. "If they're filled with the love of God, why are they so angry?"

Grammatrain is, by far, not the most brutal of the genre. Whenever I play Zao or Living Sacrifice albums in the presence of friends and comment on the music's Christianity, their brows furrow as deep as the dunes along this Carolina coast.

"I just have one question," I was asked recently while playing "Desire the End" from Zao's 1999 release, Liberate Te Ex Inferis. "What is he saying?"

It is true that we, as Christians, often disregard exactly what we're doing as long as we're told it's Christian. Music is as fine an example as any.

As in much hardcore, whether Christian or secular, some of the Christian bands making the rounds are mostly indiscernible as far as their lyrics are concerned, Zao, Living Sacrifice, early Embodyment, and Overcome not the least of those. If it is impossible for me to hear the message, does that make it no longer Christian or even positive?

I've been asked over and over why I listen to Christian hardcore. No matter my response, their conclusion is they don't agree with it, no matter where their faith lies. Christian hardcore is a ministry meant more for recruitment than strengthening. While someone already deeply rooted in the Christian faith may not gain much from the messages in the lyrics of Zao or Living Sacrifice, one who does not yet know God may learn more than they ever thought they could know.

A Christian hardcore concert is, while being much the same, an opposite from your typical secular show. While moshing and shouting may still persist, and while violent rhythms and burning guitars may still burrow through the crowds' hearing like flesh-eating earwigs, there is also an air of holiness about the place. There is ministry performed by the band members between songs, and there is an effort to "lift up your brother, don't put him down," as P.O.D. says to their fans when the mosh pit breaks open as violently as a Northeastern storm cloud in front of their stage. A hardcore Christian concert is all about enjoying music and praising God, as well as trying to bring those who are in the hardcore scene and thus most detached from God closer to His will.

I read a review on CDNow.com recently of Zao's Where Blood and Fire Bring Rest LP. They described Zao's message as "holy/evil." If critics are confusing the Christian hardcore scene to such an extent, it is time that we Christians stand up and proclaim the benefits of these holy messages, no matter how muddled they may be within all the distorted noise.

There will remain those who disagree with this approach to bringing in lost children/young adults who frequent the hardcore and punk clubs. There will remain friends in my life who will scold some of my more disturbing Christian CDs. There may even be those who will lose respect for me because of the brand of music I listen to. As far as I'm concerned, God is the One who introduced me to this music and it is a strong stream of ministry. Do not compromise your faith for the warnings of those less holy than yourself. Take it up with God. And rock on.

I won't Breakdown

This morning I was running a little late to school but finally got in my car and drove away. I had my music on and my windows cracked but all of a sudden I hear this loud grinding, sputtering, rattling noise. I figure I must have run over some cardboard and it was stuck or something.

So I pull over, haven't even made it a mile from my house so I'm still in neighborhood area, turn the car off and get out and check for the source of the noise. Unfortnately I see nothing so I decide to start my car, maybe the noise went away. Of course it did not. Being the very intelligent person that I am I cannot even figure out how to pop the hood, I know very intelligent.

So I call my mom to see if she has some brilliant advice for me, she doesn't answer. I call my dad surely he will have advice or something, he doesn't answer. I try everyone again 3 more times but still no freaking answer. I give up and stare at my car for a minute hoping to magically wish the evil noise from it. Give up on that and try my mom again, this time she answers, yes! Being just as intelligent as me she has no idea what to do but says she'll come pick me up and then I can drive her home and take the mom-mobile to school, great.

I have to say that going from awesome ipod capable, sunroof, spiffy car, to kid toting, oldies listening, mom-mobile was not fun. But I finally get to Chantilly like 45 minutes late, not too worried about the time cause my teacher's cool and it was a grooming day in my academy. I go to park in my spot, and how wonderful a very nice person decided to conserve parking space and park in my spot, how nice. So now I have to go park in visitors which is nowhere close to my class.

I park and finally get to the doors, one doesn't open, second doesn't open, none of them open, what the crap its a school not a prison. I have to now walk further to another set of doors, luckily those open. Since the very nice person had parked in my spot I have to go to the security office, which by the way is on the other side of the school. Of course with my luck so far the door is closed and locked. This has happened before so I know to go to the academy office, on the other side of school where I just came from. All they do is write my name and spot number down and tell me someone will "do something." Very Encouraging.

I get to class, by now I've missed more than half of it, and my teacher doesn't even realize I haven't been there, grooming days are hectic. So I just join a group and start working on a dog. Everything actually goes normal with that and we finish up and leave. Halfway to my car on the other side of the building I realize I was supposed to get a form signed by my teacher so I can go on a field trip. Go back and get the form signed, and finally get in the mom-mobile and head to fairfax.

I get there and head to class and of course get stopped by security wondering what I'm doing, even though they see me everyday, I guess I looked guilty or something today. The rest of the morning goes normal I guess. Then I get to pre-calc, always a fun class, not. I realize that I left my homework in my car, on the side of the road, wonderful. We also had a quiz today, which I actually did semi good on, and think my day is starting to look up. Then my teacher hands back our tests from a week prior, and I recieve the wonderful grade of F. Great.

I give up and head to Fashion Design which always cheers me up, at least a little. However, today we were learning about the parts of a sewing machine and sewing basics. I could probably write the machine manual and teach the class basics so I was bored out of my mind, but it's only and hour and a half til schools out so I push through.

Driving home I got green lights all the way wooo. When I get home my mom thinks we should go pick up my car. So we go get it and drive it home, its still making the funky noise but no lights are coming on and its not hot or anything so we park it in the garage and hope my dad can fix it. As I'm walking up the driveway, because I drove the van behind my mom, I see a trail of fluid and upon reaching the garage I realize it's oil and it's leaking bad, not just drops but a solid stream. I quickly grab the oil catch pan and stick it under the stream. Obviously this is no small problem.

As soon as I had heard the strange funky noise I immediately thought of the relient k song "Breakdown"

Oh, what a lousy excuse for a car
One mile to go, but i can't push it that far
I think i've had enough
I think i'm giving up

Saved all my money to buy a new guitar
Then i got ripped off by the guy who fixed my car
I think i've had enough
I think i'm giving up

Once again life's thrown me a curve, and it blew up right in my face
Once again life's rattled my nerves
Don't you see that i'm stuck in this place?

All because, you're giving me a ...breakdown
Stuck on the side of the road
Emotion over-load
He'll seek and destroy everything that i enjoy
But, i won't be the one he takes down
No, i won't breakdown


Even though I had a sucky day I tried to keep a good attitude cause what's the point of a sucky miserable day.

Music Player

Hey I got a music player thingy, obviously I don't know what to call it, so now you too can hear the cool music I write about :D
Listen, like it, love it

So Simple, but so Beautiful

Another song. Pretty much says it all

"I am Understood" by Relient K

Sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you
To hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through
This version of myself
I try to hide behind
I'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified

And sometimes I'm so thankful for your loyalty
Your love regardless of
The mistakes I make will spoil me
My confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me
And I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever need

[Chorus]
You looked into my life and never stopped
And you're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
And you recite my words right back to me
Before I even speak
You let me know, I am understood

And sometimes I spend my time
Just trying to escape
I work so hard so desperately, in an attempt to create space
Cause I want distance from the utmost important thing I know
I see your love, then turn my back and beg for you to go

[Chorus]

You're the only one who understands completely
You're the only one knows me yet still loves completely

And sometimes the place I'm at is at a loss for words
If I think of something worthy I know that its already yours
And through the times I've faded and you've outlined me again
You've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then

[Chorus]

The noise has broken my defense
Let me embrace salvation
Your voice has broken my defense
Let me embrace salvation

Gathering my Insuffieciences

So we recently changed Wednesday youth group. I've also been going to Lauren and Tracy's small group and we've been reading Mean Girls, a really good book. Going along with it Tracy has been challenging us to read and journal about the bible everyday, and also to pray everyday. I have to admit I have not been reading my bible everyday, but I have been reading Mean Girls and writing about that.

I have also been praying a lot more, and have seen changes. It's not that my life has miraculously changed and it's perfect with birds singing and rainbows glistening, no. There is still crap and dumb drama, and stress, and the whatnot. But what I have noticed is that there is hope. I have been able to see a reason for things. I realize that God is in control and he knows what he's doing.

Continuing with my trend of posting music I heard this song while driving home Tuesday and remembered how much I love it. So, lyrics to "Pray" by Stellar Kart

It's loud and clear
Your silence has been breaking your heart
Like no one hears
You feel you may have fallen too far
But even if
You don't know the right words to say

Pray
Sit back and watch the scenery change
Hold on to the promise that help is on the way
Pray

If you think
You're not good enough to receive
What you need
Have a little faith and believe
God is not
A stranger to the things you might say

Something beautiful
Your miracle
Is waiting on you

So basically all I can say is Pray. See what it does and how you change.

A Really Nice Piece of Art

I don't know if anyone's noticed but lately I've been feeling bad. I've been dealing with some crap and the whatnot, nothing unusual but lately it's just hit me harder. This is probably due to all the stress of senior year, and being captain, and moving, the list goes on.

We got back from camp about a week ago and I realized everything was hitting me worse because I'd been kind of avoiding God, I guess you could say. A lot of my friends have been turning away from God and it was affecting me even though I didn't think it was.

At camp the theme was Journey, and the first night we wrote down where we were in our journey. On my card I wrote that I was stopped and looking at everything around me. That's how I felt, like I was pointed in the right direction but the past and the temptations of the world were stopping me.On the way home from camp I was listening to my ipod and the song "Nice Piece of Art" by FM Static came on.

I've tried not to let anyone in until now,
I guess conversations never allow.
And I've been feeling like I'm on some sort of merry go round.
And I know, I know. Yeah I know. I know.

And I've tried not to let anyone in until now,
It took time for me to figure it out.
And when I feel like I'm complacent with my head in the clouds,
I know, I know, yeah I know, I know

And every time I wonder what's real
you make me feel

You make me feel, like a lavender sweater,
When I'm caught in bad weather,
in my Volkswagen Jetta.
You make me feel like a complete work of art,
When I'm just falling apart.
A really nice piece of art...

Dear God, I hope you hear me...

And, I've tried not to let anyone in until now.
Misunderstandings are an easy way out.
And I've been feeling all this pressure just to figure it out.
And I know, don't know, yeah I know, don't know.

And I know that if I just stay strong I can make it,
and try harder when I just can't take it,
and when everything around me feels so broken and jaded,
I know, I know, yeah I know, I know

And every time I wonder what's real
you make me feel

You make me feel, like a lavender sweater,
When I'm caught in bad weather, in my Volkswagen Jetta.
You make me feel like a complete work of art,
When I'm just falling apart.
A really nice piece of art...

It's kinda warped but it's picking up slowly,
I don't know, but I can if you show me,
I guess sometimes it takes more than just fake conversations,
to feel like I know that,
It's kind of hard when I'm planning for something
to get across this hole without jumping,
I guess sometimes it takes more than just false informationto find out who we are...

You make me feel, like a lavender sweater,
When I'm caught in bad weather, in my Volkswagen Jetta.
You make me feel like a complete work of art,
When I'm just falling apart.
A really nice piece of art...


This song made me see that God made me and that he's always there for me even in the bad times. Since coming back from camp I've been dealing with stuff and trying to figure things out. Like Christian's taught, right now I feel like I am in the knowledge stage of being a christian.

Senior Year

So I’m new to this blogging thing so I’m just gonna write down whatever comes to my head, sorry if it’s jumbled and hard to understand.

So this year has been a lot better in many ways and a lot worse in others. As most of you know this is my senior year which brings with it a lot of stress and whatnot. First main stress college.

Some background about College; my sophomore year my Dad decided to take me and my brother to a college fair at McClean bible, it was a Christian college fair. I wandered around not expecting to find anything not even caring about college which seemed to be light-years away. While wandering I found a college that I really liked, mind you the main attraction was the horse and small country feel that was on their poster. I picked up a brochure thing and some book or something. After further reading I grew to love the school it sounded so good. It was located in a very small town, 1500 undergraduates, it had a nice area too. I decided that that was where I wanted to go to college.

The next year I went back and got more information from them furthering my decision to go there. Another factor adding to my idea of going there was Animal Science, a class I was taking, one of my friends in there was also planning on going there. Throughout junior year everyone was stressing about where they wanted to go to college and we would often have discussions in my lunch. Everyone knew where they wanted to go or at least what they wished to study. This scared me I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do but I figured if I clung to Asbury I would eventually find something that I wanted to study. My cover for this was saying that I wanted to study biology, which was a possibility. I really liked science and liked animals but was not supremely passionate about it.

Junior year I used Asbury as my excuse for a lot of things I did, not bad things but things like not taking hard classes and not worrying very much about grades because I knew that Asbury was not very hard to get into. Asbury became even better to me when I went and visited it, it was perfect the area was beautiful, the campus pristine, the dorms wonderful, and then me and my mom had decided that if they had a sonic then it was definitely the school for me, well guess what they had a sonic. I could imagine myself there I could picture myself going to the Walmart, I could see myself walking to the gym, going to the little doctor’s, going to the cafeteria, attending the church that we visited, and everything. All of those things were only social, I never saw myself going to the acathemic buildings never saw myself studying a particular major or anything like that.

I eventually began to think that maybe Asbury wasn’t where I wanted to go. I covered up this feeling by saying that Asbury didn’t have a guard and that I wanted to continue guard. Christian kept pestering me during Summer camp at liberty, asking me why I didn’t want to go to Asbury and that I was so set on it, he thought that I had decided not to go because of a boy, I kept telling him that they didn’t have a guard and that I didn’t know what I wanted to study. His questions although annoying made me see that I needed to find another option, I had to go somewhere.

That brings us to this year. I am now in both Animal Science and Fashion Design at my school, both of these classes together take up 5 periods leaving me with only English and math during school and taking government online. I did this because I knew that Asbury would accept me with these credits. I applied to Asbury super early, I was sending in my application before school started early. I got accepted, I received the “big packet” and got the acceptance letter and all of that. I thought that this would be the greatest thing ever, it wasn’t, my feeling was totally apathetic for lack of better word, I was glad that I had gotten in but not exuberant and jumping up and down like I had always pictured an acceptance letter would produce. I told everyone that I had gotten in and had a fake smile and total mask around me. I was not excited to get in I knew that I was not heading in that direction and wondered whether I would even be able to get into any other schools now that I had based everything around Asbury.

One day while driving with my mom the topic of college came up, mostly the topic of my overnight visit to Asbury which was planned for the springtime, I told my mom that I was not thinking that I would go to Asbury anymore, she was a little upset because she had already put money down on a bed and breakfast during my weekend and some other stuff. I felt bad but knew that I had to find somewhere else to go, the ever lingering thought in my mind.

This question got its answer when I had to research 5 schools for Fashion Design, they did not have to be fashion related my teacher just wanted to see where we were heading and what we were thinking. Through this I looked at Asbury, Northern Michigan, Marymount, Michigan State, and Central Michigan. If you notice most of these schools are located in Michigan, upon my parents finding out that Asbury was not a top priority they told me that I should look at Michigan schools so that they could just move there, at first this was not something I wanted to do, I did not want to leave Virginia and all of my friends and everything that I knew and loved. and that they had done so much for me throughout my life I figured I owed it to them. At this point I had decided that I wanted to pursue fashion design or something of that sort. I found out that Michigan State and Central Michigan both had pretty good fashion programs.

Michigan State is a freaking massive school and I did not think that I could handle that so I looked at central Michigan, this is the same college that my dad went to so added bonus there. I began to really like Central Michigan. One amazing thing that I liked about them was that I could take a semester in New York at FIT a very prestigious fashion school. I also looked more at majors here, they have a ton of majors so should I decide that fashion design is not something that I want to do I can easily change and do something else. I applied to Central this week and just need to send my ACT scores to them.

Sooo In a much needed conclusion basically I have no idea what I am going to do with my life but it appears that god is moving me towards Michigan and Central Michigan University so we’ll have to see how it all works out.

So I know that this has now gotten very long but I really needed to get this out so thanks to those who read through all of this. I might come back through and edit it to make more sense but I’m exhausted so this is it for now.
Blogging is fun!

Edited to add paragraphs for Paolo.